Stressed..

I'm up to my ears in boxes.. Can't find a single thing.. Just realized a bunch of stuff that got packed that I need, including some all the food that didn't need to be in the fridge or freezer. And I am exhausted.

This week is going to be the death of me. If I get through this week without gaining, I will be one happy girl.

Packing + BBQ

Sadly, it's almost the end of the weekend and the start of my abnormally busy week. This week, I am working my normal 40 hours, plus moving. By next Saturday evening, we will be moved into our new home and surrounded by boxes there instead of here.

I'm excited about the move, but not looking forward to the business of the week. It's going to be crazy how much stuff we have to do. I'm really hoping my eating doesn't get pushed aside. If I end up in the McDonald's drive-through I'm going to be upset! We tried to plan out having some healthy options. I still went grocery shopping, but we kept it to a minimum. I bought my yogurt and granola and nugo bars for breakfast options, frozen meals and sandwich stuff for lunch, and dinner will most likely be easy options like grilled chicken sandwiches. We might eat out a few times though, but hopefully I can keep it together.

Today was a challenge, too. I went to DH's families for a BBQ. I had started off my day knowing I would probably overeat tonight, so had a light morning.

Breakfast:
grape flavoring for water - 20 calories
nugo bar - 170 calories

Lunch:
steak stir-fry with a cup of veggies - 529 calories

Dinner:
two hot dogs with 1 bun cut to be used for both - 275
very small serving of baked beans - 191 calories
half a brownie - 112 calories

Snacks:
cheetoes - 160 calories
white wine - 249 calories
grape water flavoring - 10 calories

Total for the day: 1835

Exercise - packed for quite a few hours. 

I'm quite happy with that total. I had to do some sneaking around at the BBQ. People kept asking me if I wanted more, and I was actually forced to take a hamburger by my mother-in-law when I already had hot dogs, so I had one bite, then fed some to the dog. The dog was well fed, and I kept "mostly" within my calorie range.

My saturday

How many calories does packing burn off? I'm hoping a lot!

My apartment is about 75% packed now. Which is great, since both my husband and I still have to work full time this week and we're moving the end of the week.

Did pretty well today food wise despite eating way too many cheetos today. I kept it to only 2 meals, so I could budget for some cheetos and wine in my day. Definitely not the best  way to go about things, since I'm now hungry. But it is midnight and I think I can just head to bed instead of eating. I wanted to be able to have what I was craving. The other two meals were pretty filling though - I had an ihop breakfast of pancakes, low calorie syrup, turkey bacon, and fruit. And then dinner I made a steak stir-fry. Didn't snack much, other than my cheetos and wine. End of the day: 1860 calories. I can definitely live with that considering I ate food I love and stayed close to my daily calories.  Once in awhile eating out of the box isn't bad.

More packing tomorrow plus BBQ at DH's families. Dreading going back to work on Monday after being out sick Thursday and Friday. Just hoping my boss isn't upset and things go smoothly.

Oh yeah!

The best news of all from this past week, is that my husband promised to buy me an exercise bike that has a seat so I can sit in it comfortably. I am excited! I get to pick it out so it's one I really like and he said I could put it anywhere I want, but I'm figuring probably the living room in a corner, so I can work out while I catch up on my shows on television. That way I have no excuse to talk myself out of doing it. It'll be right there to do whenever I have the chance.

My new life

Friday is my official weigh-in day! And I'm darn proud of myself this week.

Start weight: 258.4
Last Friday's weight: 253.6
Current weight: 252.2
Difference: -1.4
Goal weight: 140

I've been doing a lot of thinking about what fuels the changes I am making. I realized that I have spent my entire adult life overweight. I've still lived my life and don't regret a thing because it's made me who I am. However, I want to see what else I am capable of doing now. I am in an amazing marriage with a guy who has easily accepted me at my highest weight, but also wants me to be healthy. And I think I finally have the self-confidence to make this a lifestyle change.

In the past, I would go on a diet because I hated my body. I hated the way I look and was worried about how people saw me. This time, I don't hate myself. I get told I'm beautiful every single day and am starting to actually let it sink in. And, I don't really care how people see me because I know that no matter what, I have someone at home who sees me for the best I ever am. Through the love of my husband, I have learned to love myself in a way I never had before. I'm not unhappy. Actually, I'm the complete opposite. I'm happier than I have been in my entire life. And weirdly, I feel like it's the exact thing that I needed in order to make the change. I finally love myself enough to feel like I am worth it. I am worth more than I have been letting myself be.

So I am slowly losing weight and taking control of my health. For my husband, our marriage, and our future family. Sure, I could stay the size I am now and live a happy and content life. But I'd be missing out on so many things I want to experience with my husband. I'd be missing out on what I could be. In my husband's eyes, I see how he sees me. The best reflection of who I am. And because of that, I want to prove him right in thinking that way about me. I want to be the best I can be.

I also want children with this amazing man. And at my weight, my gynecologist has already made it clear that it wouldn't be an easy undertaking. So, in order to start a family healthily - and not risk mine or my future child's health, I am losing weight.

It's because of this new self-confidence that I am able to finally say enough is enough, and make a complete lifestyle change. I'm moving more and eating less. I am still enjoying the things we've always enjoyed: going out to dinner, going to the movies, having a drink, or anything else we decide to do. But I am doing everything in moderation and it's slowly paying off. I feel healthier overall and I don't get heartburn every night anymore.

Since this is a lifestyle change and not a diet, I decided to not make anything off limits. If we want to go out to eat, we do and I just figure it into my daily calories and plan ahead. If I want some wine, I have some in moderation. Sure, I could be losing weight faster than I am. I could cut my calories down to 1200 instead of the 1750 I am budgeting. I could take away my cheat day where I allow myself a few extra calories so we can go out. And it would probably pay off for awhile. But would it be sustainable? My past has indicated that probably not. Sure, I lose weight - rapidly. But when I do that I am starving, cranky, cut off from my social life, and completely not myself. And usually a month or two in, I give up and gain it all back plus more.

I will not let that happen this time. So, I will plan. I will adjust to what my body needs. I will give into cravings moderately. I will live out my life. And I will also lose the weight. All the weight. If it takes me 3 years, I will.

I am determined. This is my new life.

Busy bee

Things have been absolutely crazy with us moving in 2 weeks, plus me training at work. I feel like I'm going at a dead run with no time to breathe.

Needless to say, counting calories hasn't been as absolute as it has been before. I am trying to round up, but I am estimating a lot when I'm not sure, so I'm either over-counting or under-counting. I do think I'm still doing pretty well though, and at the very least with how busy it's been, I'm getting more movement in.

Managed to lose all I gained over the weekend, but was up a bit this morning again - just slightly though. I'm starting to wonder if I should just weigh in once or twice a week instead of every day since the normal body fluctuations are killing me.

It is 9:45 and I am thinking it's bedtime. Good night interwebs.

"Everyone gets knocked down, the question is: Will you get back up?"

The past few days, I fell off plan. I honestly don’t even dare weigh myself this morning because I know it would be a gain. I didn’t consume as much as I probably would have a few months ago, but I still let myself go a bit. I rationalized it by saying that I had been doing so well and deserved some time off. I see all these girls at work that are slim, yet still allow themselves treats. They indulge, but don’t seem to ever gain a pound. Then, this morning I realized that’s a lot of what got me here in the first place. Thinking food wise, I can keep up with everyone else. 

Some background with that feeling: when I started really gaining weight was in High School. My best friends all ate like birds then would pig out on gallons of ice cream or a whole pan of brownies.  They somehow managed to always over indulge with what they wanted, but never gained weight because they balanced it by not eating the rest of the time or working out a ton. I was diagnosed with CFIDS and was unable to do the working out part like they could. I also have never been the kind of person that can skip 3 meals in order to pig out on cake at a party and have that be my calories for the day. If I don’t eat every 4 hours, I feel sick. I have always been this way, since I was a healthy little girl who wasn’t overweight. When I take too long to eat something, I feel like crap until I do eat a meal. Trust me - I’ve tried to starve myself. It never works and I end up binging because I’m starving. So, I would still eat my normal 3 meals a day – but when they indulged, I indulged with them. This mentality never stopped. And I slowly started to gain weight while they all never seemed to gain a pound. 

 Back to this weekend, Friday we had a party at work. I did have good intentions about balancing the day with healthy things, plus some slight indulgences. I agreed to bring some stuff in from the local bakery, instead of something healthy: bad choice #1. All the girls I worked with had been talking about how much they wanted cupcakes, but hadn’t found a good place to get them yet. So, when we were planning the party and they were talking about it, I piped up with knowing a decent bakery that had very good cupcakes. I’m still trying to find my footing at work and want all the girls to like me. They were super happy that I agreed to be the one to bring in the sweets, and I basked in the attention. Since getting married and moving to a new state, I’ve had some problems making friends. I moved away from all my family and friends and although my husband is amazing, I crave that girl companionship that I was so used too. So knowing that I was making my new co-workers happy by bringing in something they were craving made me feel good. I started my day off with my normal breakfast lately of a yogurt with granola with some fruit. I really thought that I could still eat healthy with only maybe a cookie or something. When I got to work, the girls were setting up the food. It was a complete fiesta; with a whole desk filled with goodies with what I soon realized was not a healthy option in sight. I started thinking that 9 hours was a long time to be sitting at the desk next to all this food. I was right.I stuck with my guns as much as possible. I had my normal breakfast, but then an hour later a few of the girls opened the cupcakes and cookies, and I broke and had a cookie. That turned into some of the banana bread + another cookie. Then, a few hours later they were all breaking for lunch and munching on that. I went downstairs to the cafeteria and got a huge salad - thinking that would fill me up and I’d keep from eating any more of the bad things in the office. It did hold me off for awhile, but halfway through the afternoon when the girls had another cookie break and were only a desk away from me eating, I gave in again.  By this time, I’d eaten enough that my calories were at 1500 and I was only halfway through my day!

When I was leaving for the day, I tried to give away as many of the leftover sweets as possible. A few girls took some home, but they insisted I also take some home since I brought them in. That left me with 4 cupcakes and 6 cookies to take home. Plus, my husband wanted to go out to eat. So I caved, and we went to Buffalo Wild Wings at his choice. I did manage to order the salad for dinner, but he was drinking, so I had a drink. And again, it spiraled slightly out of control.

Total calories for Friday: somewhere between 2400-2700 – I’m honestly not completely sure.

Then, Saturday, I got up and again thought I’d be able to keep it under control. But I was feeling upset about having given in so much on Friday, and stressed about getting the house packed up and having so much to do (we’re moving in 2 weeks). I did pretty well in the morning, but we went out to dinner again. We picked the Mongolian Grill which was a okay choice considering the other options, and I didn’t overeat too much. I did however have a few drinks + some wine when I got home.

Total calories for Saturday: about 2250.

Today, however, I am pleased to say I am back on plan! I woke up and had some fruit and water for breakfast, since I was still pretty full from the night before. I had a homemade grilled chicken sandwich on a low calorie bun for lunch. And for dinner, we made stir-fry with peas and carrots, steak, low calorie stir fry sauce, and low carb / calorie pasta.

Total calories for today: 1400 and with the overeating this weekend, I am not eating another bite. 

Start of my journey

About a month ago I started my journey for weight-loss. I have been down this road before and always do well for awhile, but then start to falter. However, my husband and I want to start a family in the next few years, and there’s so many risks in going into a pregnancy severely overweight. I really want to overcome this and be healthy. Not to mention, it’s going to be hard running around after little ones at my current weight. I also suffer from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, so that is also a stumbling block for me. I know that my life could be much easier if I lost the weight. I really just want to stick with it this time and am hoping with my husband’s support, I can!

Start weight: 258.4
Current weight: 253.8
Realistic goal weight: 140

Goals:
1. To post about my journey once a week.
2. To record my calorie count and weight every single day to keep myself on target.
3. To move more, no matter how small the movement.
4. To be positive throughout this journey, even on the hard days.
5. To be honest about the good and the bad of this process.

I have finally realized that the small changes, will add up to success over time. I didn’t put this weight on overnight, so I can’t expect it to come off overnight. I need to be patient with myself and understand that I will fall down. But like Oliver Goldsmith said, “success is getting up just one more time than you fall”.