My new life

Friday is my official weigh-in day! And I'm darn proud of myself this week.

Start weight: 258.4
Last Friday's weight: 253.6
Current weight: 252.2
Difference: -1.4
Goal weight: 140

I've been doing a lot of thinking about what fuels the changes I am making. I realized that I have spent my entire adult life overweight. I've still lived my life and don't regret a thing because it's made me who I am. However, I want to see what else I am capable of doing now. I am in an amazing marriage with a guy who has easily accepted me at my highest weight, but also wants me to be healthy. And I think I finally have the self-confidence to make this a lifestyle change.

In the past, I would go on a diet because I hated my body. I hated the way I look and was worried about how people saw me. This time, I don't hate myself. I get told I'm beautiful every single day and am starting to actually let it sink in. And, I don't really care how people see me because I know that no matter what, I have someone at home who sees me for the best I ever am. Through the love of my husband, I have learned to love myself in a way I never had before. I'm not unhappy. Actually, I'm the complete opposite. I'm happier than I have been in my entire life. And weirdly, I feel like it's the exact thing that I needed in order to make the change. I finally love myself enough to feel like I am worth it. I am worth more than I have been letting myself be.

So I am slowly losing weight and taking control of my health. For my husband, our marriage, and our future family. Sure, I could stay the size I am now and live a happy and content life. But I'd be missing out on so many things I want to experience with my husband. I'd be missing out on what I could be. In my husband's eyes, I see how he sees me. The best reflection of who I am. And because of that, I want to prove him right in thinking that way about me. I want to be the best I can be.

I also want children with this amazing man. And at my weight, my gynecologist has already made it clear that it wouldn't be an easy undertaking. So, in order to start a family healthily - and not risk mine or my future child's health, I am losing weight.

It's because of this new self-confidence that I am able to finally say enough is enough, and make a complete lifestyle change. I'm moving more and eating less. I am still enjoying the things we've always enjoyed: going out to dinner, going to the movies, having a drink, or anything else we decide to do. But I am doing everything in moderation and it's slowly paying off. I feel healthier overall and I don't get heartburn every night anymore.

Since this is a lifestyle change and not a diet, I decided to not make anything off limits. If we want to go out to eat, we do and I just figure it into my daily calories and plan ahead. If I want some wine, I have some in moderation. Sure, I could be losing weight faster than I am. I could cut my calories down to 1200 instead of the 1750 I am budgeting. I could take away my cheat day where I allow myself a few extra calories so we can go out. And it would probably pay off for awhile. But would it be sustainable? My past has indicated that probably not. Sure, I lose weight - rapidly. But when I do that I am starving, cranky, cut off from my social life, and completely not myself. And usually a month or two in, I give up and gain it all back plus more.

I will not let that happen this time. So, I will plan. I will adjust to what my body needs. I will give into cravings moderately. I will live out my life. And I will also lose the weight. All the weight. If it takes me 3 years, I will.

I am determined. This is my new life.